03.05.09

This is a tough day. Today is the day Cathy and I had planned to be bringing Eleanor Rae into the world. Instead, we're in a very different place in our lives. It's still hard to get over the simple complaint that this is not the way things were supposed to go.

In the days and months since November, I feel I've learned quite a lot about life and living and the things that are important. But in the face of this day and what it means, what it was supposed to mean, I feel as ignorant and unprepared as I could possibly be. I feel blindsided and angry and incredibly, intensely sad.

Back in November and December, it was my job to be upright and strong, to not waver in decisions or in the weighing and discussion of what had happened to us. I felt I best served Cathy by being that person that she could look to for strength and certainty. And, to be honest and immodest, I think I did a pretty great job at it. It served me well, too, to have focus and purpose. It helped me deal, or not deal, with the reality.

Now, though. Now is a different story. Somehow my certainty and purpose have left me. Cathy's doing better these days--so what's my job? What cage keeps my thoughts contained? Where do I direct my energy? Without a purpose I flounder, my thoughts and emotions get away from me, and I feel I have no control over their expression. My mind seems foreign and beyond my control. That's very unsettling. It's a terrible thing to be helpless, and something I knew little to nothing about until last year. I never want to feel this again.

One song became very important to me during the last months of last year. And today it says how I'm feeling better than I ever could myself.

The things we never had
The things we wish would come back
Because we need this oh so bad,
We need this oh so bad
And we tremble in the night
For the things we wish were right
Because we need this oh so bad
Because I need you oh so bad

~ Don't Haunt This Place, The Rural Alberta Advantage

This is a very sad day. I have no other option than to recognize that and deal with it. That's a lot harder than it seems. Right now, it seems impossible to get through. But I will, we will. We have no choice.

The world is a lesser place today than it should be. Something is missing. Someone is missing, and I feel her absence more acutely than I could ever have imagined I would.